12 Practical Steps for Learning to Go With the Flow

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” - Lao-Tzu

No matter how much structure we create in our lives, no matter how many good habits we build, there will always be things that we cannot control — and if we let them, these things can be a huge source of anger, frustration and stress.

The simple solution: learn to go with the flow.

“Smile, breathe and go slowly.” - Thich Nhat Hanh

For example, let’s say you’ve created the perfect peaceful morning routine. You’ve structured your mornings so that you do things that bring you calm and happiness. And then a water pipe bursts in your bathroom and you spend a stressful morning trying to clean up the mess and get the pipe fixed.

You get angry. You are disappointed, because you didn’t get to do your morning routine. You are stressed from all these changes to what you’re used to. It ruins your day because you are frustrated for the rest of the day.

Not the best way to handle things, is it? And yet if we are honest, most of us have problems like this, with things that disrupt how we like things, with people who change what we are used to, with life when it doesn’t go the way we want it to go.

Go with the flow.

What is going with the flow? It’s rolling with the punches. It’s accepting change without getting angry or frustrated. It’s taking what life gives you, rather than trying to mold life to be exactly as you want it to be.

“Flow with whatever is happening and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.” - Chuang Tzu

A reader recently asked me to write more about going with the flow, so this is my attempt to share some of the things that work for me. As always, I don’t have any claims to perfection, and I’m learning as I improve, but the tips below should help anyone.

1. Realize that you can’t control everything. I think we all know this at some level, but the way we think and act and feel many times contradicts this basic truth. We don’t control the universe, and yet we seem to wish we could. All the wishful thinking won’t make it so. You can’t even control everything within your own little sphere of influence — you can influence things, but many things are simply out of your control. In the example above, you can control your morning routine, but there will be things that happen from time to time (someone’s sick, accident happens, phone call comes at 5 a.m. that disrupts things, etc.) that will make you break your routine. First step is realizing that these things will happen. Not might happen, but will. There are things that we cannot control that will affect every aspect of our lives, and we must must must accept that, or we will constantly be frustrated. Meditate on this for awhile.
2. Become aware. I’ve mentioned this step in previous articles on other topics, but that’s because it’s extremely important. You can’t change things in your head if you’re not aware of them. You have to become an observer of your thoughts, a self-examiner. Be aware that you’re becoming upset, so that you can do something about it. It helps to keep tally marks in a little notebook for a week — every time you get upset, put a little tally. That’s all — just keep tally. And soon, because of that little act, you will become more aware of your anger and frustration.
3. Breathe. When you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated, take a deep breath. Take a few. This is an important step that allows you to calm down and do the rest of the things on this list. Practice this by itself and you’ll have come a long way already.
4. Get perspective. This always helps me. I get angry over something happening — my car breaks down, my kids ruin my microwave — and then I take a deep breath, and take a step back. You know how you’re watching a movie and the camera zooms away and you can see much more of the world on the screen than you could before? How it goes from closeup to a larger, panoramic view of things? That’s what happens in my mind’s eye. I start to zoom away, until I’m pretty far away from things. Then whatever happened doesn’t seem so important. A week from now, a year from now, this little incident won’t matter a single whit. No one will care, not even you. So why get upset about it? Just let it go, and soon it won’t be a big deal.
5. Practice. It’s important to realize that, just like when you learn any skill, you probably won’t be good at this at first. Who is good when they are first learning to write, or read, or drive? No one I know. Skills come with practice. So when you first learn to go with the flow, you will mess up. You will stumble and fall. That’s OK — it’s part of the process. Just keep practicing, and you’ll get the hang of it. Someday, you may even become a Zen Master and write a guest post on what you’ve learned for Zen Habits. :)
6. Baby steps. Along the same lines, take things in small steps. Don’t try to become that Zen Master mentioned above overnight. Don’t try to bite off huge chunks — just bite off something small at first. So make your first attempts to go with the flow small ones: focus on the tally marks (mentioned above) first. Then focus on breathing. Then try to get perspective after you breathe. And you might try the easier situations first — if your work problems are easier to accept than your frustrations with your kids, for example, start with work.
7. Laugh. It helps me to see things as funny, rather than frustrating. Car broke down in the middle of traffic and I have no cell phone or spare tire? Laugh at my own incompetence. Laugh at the absurdity of the situation. That requires a certain amount of detachment — you can laugh at the situation if you’re above it, but not within it. And that detachment is a good thing. If you can learn to laugh at things, you’ve come a long way. Try laughing even if you don’t think it’s funny — it will most likely become funny.
8. Keep a journal. This is one of the best uses of a journal actually. Once a day, try to recall what all your tally marks were for — and then write about those situations. Why did you get upset? What did you try to do? Did it work, and if not, why not? What can you do next time? This kind of recollection and examination, after the fact, will help you learn from the process.
9. Meditate. If you aren’t good at keeping a journal, at least do a daily review in your head. Do some meditation, or have a bath, or a cup of hot tea, and as you’re de-stressing, go over your day and examine it. Don’t get frustrated — you’re learning. Do some deep breathing, and then go over each situation, trying to see it as a detached observer. This kind of review will help you improve in the learning process.
10. Realize that you can’t control others. Ah, one of the biggest challenges. We get frustrated with other people, because they don’t act the way we want them to act. Maybe it’s our kids, maybe it’s our spouse or significant other, maybe it’s our coworker or boss, maybe it’s our mom or best friend. But we have to realize that they are acting according to their personality, according to what they feel is right, and they are not going to do what we want all of the time. And we have to accept that. Accept that we can’t control them, accept them for who they are, accept the things they do. It’s not easy, but again, it takes practice.
11. Accept change and imperfection. When we get things the way we like them, we usually don’t want them to change. But they will change. It’s a fact of life. We cannot keep things the way we want them to be … instead, it’s better to learn to accept things as they are. Accept that the world is constantly changing, and we are a part of that change. Also, instead of wanting things to be “perfect” (and what is perfect anyway?), we should accept that they will never be perfect, and we must accept good instead.
12. Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty. Remember when I asked what “perfect” is, in the paragraph above? It’s actually a very interesting question. Does perfect mean the ideal life and world that we have in our heads? Do we have an ideal that we try to make the world conform to? Because that will likely never happen. Instead, try seeing the world as perfect the way it is. It’s messy, chaotic, painful, sad, dirty … and completely perfect. The world is beautiful, just as it is. Life is not something static, but a flow of change, never staying the same, always getting messier and more chaotic, always beautiful. There is beauty in everything around us, if we look at it as perfect.

“I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me.” - Bob Dylan

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The Art Of Flirting (And How To Do It)

Image by maveric2003 *Image changed because she DID look like a 10 year-old girl!

A lot of men struggle with the basic concept of flirting. I’ve seen it myself with friends looking to hook up with a girl in a bar who tried everything in their tired and clichéd arsenal of pick up lines. Believe it or not, the following quote is not going to help you get the girl:

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.

Source: CO-ED Magazine

The main problem guys have with flirting is that they relate it directly to sex. If I flirt with the girl for long enough, she’s more likely to have sex with me. Women, on the other hand, view flirting as nothing more than some harmless fun with no determined end-game.

The differences between male and female flirting

if we were in a cave, the man would fling the woman over his shoulder and stomp away.

Dutch-born psychoanalyst Manfred Kets de Vries blames the male super-ego. “A man behaving selfishly will ignore the implicit conduct of flirting in the blatant pursuit of sex.” He’s basically saying that if we were in a cave, the man would fling the woman over his shoulder and stomp away.

As far as human behaviours are concerned, flirting is the one that confuses us most. According to evolutionary psychologists flirting is man’s way of engaging pleasurably with a member of the opposite sex, with the ultimate goal of reproduction. Now call me crazy, but most men looking to pick up a girl are not thinking about having children with the woman! Regardless, women view flirting as a way of checking out the merchandise without compromising their virtue. So women use flirting to get attention, and men use it to initiate sex - but how do you untangle this web of crossed wires?

The key to flirting successfully

You’d think that common sense might help you to flirt more successfully, but you’d be wrong. And here’s why. Dr Antonio Darmasio, MD and head of neurology at the University of Iowa, claims that the reason it all goes wrong is because the process of flirting actually mimics brain damage. “The limbic system, responding to a cue that says ‘this person is attractive’, overrides the neo-cortex. Therefore, for a brief moment, we are completely out of control.” Now this quote won’t hold up in court should you ever get too out of control with a girl but it does explain why we struggle to flirt.

Understanding the brain’s response to flirting should help us to engage with women on their level, rather than as a covert operation to get naked with her! Here are some ideas for flirting successfully without coming across like a sex-crazed lunatic:

• Keep contact to a minimum. Nothing is more powerful in the flirting world than well-timed and placed body contact. Touching a woman should be the same as using your Diesel Fuel For Life aftershave. Use With Caution! If you overdo it, you’ll appear overbearing and creepy. The best times to engage physical contact are when you’re standing together or when putting her coat on. When standing together you can lean in close and place your hand on the small of hear back, as if you were telling her a secret. Putting her coat on at the end of the evening allows you to lift her hair up over the back of her coat. Very subtle and sensual but she will notice.
• Avoid over-confidence. If you’ve got all the right words and know exactly what to say to get her interested in you, there is a danger that she’ll take you as one of those slippery guys who have played women one too many times. She’ll be imagining you as the guy who flirts for sport and prefers the thrill of the chase to the catch. I’ve known a few of these cads myself and although he was successful with the women, it never amounted to more than a one night stand. That’s not being a man at all.
• Don’t play it too cool. Some guys prefer to take the ‘mysterious and cool’ approach by appearing dark and brooding from afar. This is all well and good but be aware than you have a limited window of opportunity to talk to her before you turn into the weird stalker who won’t stop looking at her. Another downside to this method is the tendency to sit and watch as other guys attempt to talk to the object of your affection. Don’t sit and sulk in the corner giving the death stare to any man who dares talk to your woman. You’ll come across as jealous and lacking in self confidence. Both unbecoming character traits. Instead, enjoy your evening and when she is available, just head over and talk to her. It’s really not rocket science!
• Don’t flirt with every girl in the bar. Women talk. With their friends and with strangers at the bar or in the toilet. Find a girl you’re interested in and focus on her. If it doesn’t work out then you might need to move on to the next place to find somebody else. Women will be extremely wary of a man who she has seen talking to other women in the club. You may be a masterful flirt, but you’re seeking an audience and in the end you’re only amusing yourself and are not really that interested in any of the women. They’ll pick up on it and before you know it you’ll be known as the annoying guy who sends dirty text messages an hour after meeting someone in a bar.

Technology and it’s impact on flirting

Technology has added an entirely new dimension to the flirting game. You can now use text, e-mail and instant messenger to flirt, but you find yourself trying to become a wordsmith to formulate the perfect combination of words. It’s now a digital minefield as well. However, I think that if used correctly, communicating in this way can help you to become more successful. Here’s why:

• You have time to think about your message. Rather than being put on the spot in a face-to-face setting, you have time to put together a message or a reply without having to do it immediately. This removes the pressure and allows you to flirt more effectively.
• You can be more open via text. Things you would never dare to say in person can now be said through a message. The beauty of this is that if she takes it the wrong way you can say it was a joke but the message didn’t convey the sarcastic tone intended (yes, I have used that before to get out of an inappropriate text) or you can be a little unscrupulous and just never speak to her again.
• What you say in text messages often becomes what you say in real life. Back in the single days I was a bit of a master at the whole text flirting game, regularly with 4 or 5 women texting me at any given time. As my confidence grew, I found there was a great deal of transference from my text game to my face-to-face game. I was more open, more outrageous and more confident and the end result was that approaching women was easier and more successful than ever before.

Now, obviously I’m not a psychologist or psychoanalyst but I am a self-taught flirt with a lot of experience and a lot of success. My final advice to you is to flirt wherever you can. Build up your confidence talking to waitresses, barmaids, checkout girls, or even your friends mother! There’s no harm in flirting and it will boost your confidence so that when you meet someone you really like, you know what to do.

If you’ve had some great flirting experiences or know a method that’s worked wonders for you in the past, then let us know in the comments.

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Survey Finds Teenagers Ignorant on Basic History and Literature Questions

Fewer than half of American teenagers who were asked basic history and literature questions in a phone survey knew when the Civil War was fought, and one in four said Columbus sailed to the New World some time after 1750, not in 1492.

The survey results, released on Tuesday, demonstrate that a significant proportion of teenagers live in “stunning ignorance” of history and literature, said the group that commissioned it, Common Core.

The organization describes itself as a new research and advocacy organization that will press for more teaching of the liberal arts in public schools.

The group says President Bush’s education law, No Child Left Behind, has impoverished public school curriculums by holding schools accountable for student scores on annual tests in reading and mathematics, but in no other subjects.

Politically, the group’s leaders are strange bedfellows. Its founding board includes Antonia Cortese, executive vice president of the American Federation of Teachers, a union that is a powerful force in the Democratic Party, and Diane Ravitch, an education professor at New York University who was assistant education secretary under the first President George Bush.

Its executive director is Lynne Munson, former deputy chairwoman of the National Endowment for the Humanities and former special assistant to Vice President Dick Cheney’s wife, Lynne.

“We’re a truly diverse group,” Mrs. Munson said. “We almost certainly vote differently, and we have varying opinions about different aspects of educational reform. But when it comes to concern that all of America’s children receive a comprehensive liberal arts and science education, we all agree.”

In the survey, 1,200 17-year-olds were called in January and asked to answer 33 multiple-choice questions about history and literature that were read aloud to them. The questions were drawn from a test that the federal government administered in 1986.

About a quarter of the teenagers were unable to correctly identify Hitler as Germany’s chancellor in World War II, instead identifying him as a munitions maker, an Austrian premier and the German kaiser.

On literature, the teenagers fared even worse. Four in 10 could pick the name of Ralph Ellison’s novel about a young man’s growing up in the South and moving to Harlem, “Invisible Man,” from a list of titles. About half knew that in the Bible Job is known for his patience in suffering. About as many said he was known for his skill as a builder, his prowess in battle or his prophetic abilities.

The history question that proved easiest asked the respondents to identify the man who declared, “I have a dream.” Ninety-seven percent correctly picked the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

About 8 in 10, a higher percentage than on any other literature question, knew that Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird” is about two children affected by the conflict in their community when their father defends a black man in court.

In a joint introduction to their report, Ms. Cortese and Dr. Ravitch did not directly blame the No Child law for the dismal results but said it had led schools to focus too narrowly on reading and math, crowding time out of the school day for history, literature and other subjects.

“The nation’s education system has become obsessed with testing and basic skills because of the requirements of federal law, and that is not healthy,” Ms. Cortese and Dr. Ravitch said.

“You can be supportive of N.C.L.B. and also support strengthening the teaching of history and literature,” a spokeswoman for the Education Department, Samara Yudof, said. “It’s good to talk about expanding the curriculum, but if you can’t read, you can’t read anything at all.”

A string of studies have documented the curriculum’s narrowing since Mr. Bush signed the law in January 2002.

Last week, the Center on Education Policy, a research group in Washington that has studied the law, estimated that based on its own survey 62 percent of school systems had added an average of three hours of math or reading instruction a week at the expense of time for social studies, art and other subjects.

The Bush administration and some business and civil rights groups warn against weakening the law, saying students need reading and math skills to succeed in other subjects.

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