Bullet Points: 8 Diets That Will Make You Sh*t Your Pants

Have you ever come out of the bathroom and proclaimed to anyone listening that you feel ten pounds lighter? You may have had one of these popular diets to thank. Forget about eating right and exercising. The truth is that we’re all just full of crap.

Apple Cider Vinegar Diet

Considered a fad diet by some, it’s not really clear how effective it is because it's supposed to be used while moderating your portions and watching the nutritional composition of the food you eat. Those two things will help even without the step below.

The idea here is that you're supposed to take one, two or three teaspoons of apple cider vinegar with each meal. That’s the byproduct of fermented apples, or, essentially, the soft, squishy brown spots on apples that -- when combined with your meals -- are like coating your burrito with the world’s best anal lube. In one end and out the other in record time.

Hollywood Diet

This one is as easy as drinking a bottled laxative, which is pretty much what it is.

The Hollywood Diet suggests that if you are a first time user, you should take it on a day off or a weekend. Meaning, "You won’t want to be more than two feet from a toilet the entire time." Now, picture your favorite Hollywood starlet making the 100 meter poop dash in less than 3 seconds. She just got a lot less hot.

Alli

Alli is a weight-loss pill. It attaches to enzymes in your digestive system and prevents them from breaking down about a quarter of the fat you eat. That undigested fat passes through the body naturally and resembles something like the oil on top of your pizza. And now that you have that picture in your head, you’ll never eat pizza again. See? The diet is already working.

Here are a few more things to look forward to.

• Gas with an oily anal discharge
• Loose stools or diarrhea
• More frequent bowel movements
• Hard-to-control bowel movements

Where do I sign up?

Colonix

With a name like Colonix, you know it’s good.

Colonix, aside from being a diet aid, also helps with health issues. It can clear up acne, sore gums, rashes, gastrointestinal distress and constipation -- especially that last one, as is seen here in a customer review in which the 'customer' raves a little too excitedly about eliminating a "huge rope of mucoid plaque."

If I ever eliminate a huge rope of anything… I’m not telling.

Hallelujah Diet

This is a low-calorie, vegan diet made up of raw organic foods and faith. It's the only biblically-based diet on here and was developed by a reverend who must have had his confessional converted into a port-o-potty.

Some other things included in this holy diet are “adequate rest and sufficient amounts of sunshine”. I sure somewhere it also mentions rainbows and angels. The faith part comes in when you are praying to anyone who will listen through the bathroom door because you need your third roll of toilet paper.

Oxy Powder

Another product that targets the colon like specially trained butt-sniper.

Oxy Powder is like the pristine snow of a downhill ski slope. And that snow covers your lower intestines. Your fecal skier is off the lift and headed for the bottom of the mountain. Then comes the avalanche of noisy bowel sounds and intense cramping , and you can only hope for a Sonny Bono ending.

South Beach Diet

Developed by a cardiologist but praised by proctologists, the South Beach Diet is a three phase program that minimizes the consumption of “bad carbohydrates and bad fats.” It also minimizes the wallpaper stability in your bathrooms.

Aside from the ketosis (a physiological state associated with chronic starvation), heart palpitations, headaches and lightheadedness, the South Beach Diet also causes “excessive fluid loss”. Guess which fluids and which orifice you’ll be losing it from.

The Master Cleanser

On the Master Cleanse Diet, you drink a beverage (no food) made from lemons, maple syrup and cayenne pepper for 10 days.

The idea probably came from some poor, starving person barely surviving on the meager supplies they had left in their pantry who concocted the Master Cleanse on accident. This would make it ironic, as it is now one of the most popular diets for the rich and famous.

You will see a dramatic weight loss… if you don't drop dead first. Though you’ll wish you did once the spicy, cayenne laced turds come blasting out of your colon.

Original here