Real vs. Fake

Morpheus once asked Neo, “What is real? If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then ‘real’ is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.” So when it comes to breasts, can your brain interpret which electrical signals are emanating from the real deal and which are from the fakes? How was Kramer able to spot a fake Cuban cigar in just one puff? How can a woman tell if her husband spent two days’ salary on her wedding ring as opposed to the standard two months? When you’re busy popping that forehead pimple in the mirror, how can you be sure there’s not a team of sweaty detectives on the other side, watching your every move in a cloud of cigarette smoke? Here are some tips on how to discern between what’s real and what’s not.

Breasts
Less than 10 years ago you could spot a fake pair from a mile away, and like a tractor beam they could pull you in for the entire mile. Implants used to make women look like they had whoopee-cushions surgically installed in their chests. But with all the advancements in breast augmentation techniques and technology, the difference isn’t as ap-pair-ent. Pun intended.

Look
Most real breasts are not gravity-defying, perfectly round spheres looking like they’re ready to burst through any amount of clothing in their way. They usually have a natural sliding curve like a ski slope, and one is almost always slightly larger than the other (this difference is hard to tell while the bra is still on; further investigation may be required).

Depending on the skill of the surgeon, the nipple placement can also be an indicator to the breast’s authenticity. They could be too high, too low, or pointing in different directions.

Real breasts move and shape-shift according to the woman’s movement. For instance, if she bends over they should hang, if she lays on her back they should flatten. Fake breasts maintain their shape and are often motionless. One method to discover the truth is the self-explanatory “Trampoline Test”. Another method is the popular “Can I rest my beer on them test”.

Feel
Breasts consist of mostly fat and are therefore soft and squishable to the touch. Fake breasts are so firm you can bounce a quarter off them.

Cuban Cigars

Feel
One surefire way to tell the real Cuban from a “Dominican in a Cuban wrapper” is to roll the cigar between your fingers. Contrary to the world of breasts, a real Cuban will have a consistent firm feel to it, whereas a fake will have squishy spots.
The leaves are also an important indicator. Real Cubans are rolled with supple, soft whole leaves. Fakes are rolled with the brittle, shredded scraps of leaves which break and crumble easily to the touch. If the cigar passes the roll test, clip off an end and notice the tobacco. If it falls out, it’s definitely a fake made from factory floor tobacco shavings.

Look
A box of real Cubans will contain cigars of uniform chocolate color and equal length. Fakes, again due to the leaves, will have both light and dark colors, and are often varying in length.

On the box you should look for a seal from the Cuban government and a “Habanos” sticker on the cover with the black silhouette of a tobacco leaf. You should also check the bottom of the box for three burnt markings: Hababo S.A. is the mark of the official Cuban cigar export agency; hecho en Cuba, which means “Made in Cuba”; and totalmente a mano, which means “totally by hand”.

For a thorough comparison between real vs fake Cuban cigar boxes, please visit http://havanajournal.com/cigars/cohibas.

Diamonds

The closest thing to a real diamond is the cubic zirconia and the best way to figure out the difference is to bring it to a professional. If the $50-$75 appraisal fee is beyond your budget, you should read a book on better money management. But here are some simple tests you can perform at home.

Weight
A fake weighs approximately 50% more than a real diamond of the same size and shape. Nice to know, but unless you happen to have a diamond to reference, slightly complicated to demonstrate.

Transparency Test
Place the stone upside down on a newspaper. If the writing is legible through the stone then you’ve got yourself a fake.

Fog Test
Clean the surface of the stone then breathe on it. If the stone remains foggy for a few seconds, it’s a fake. A real diamond will clear up instantly. If the stone melts under your breath, the garlic you ate was very real.

U.V. Test
Place the stone under an ultra violet black light. If it shows a medium to strong blue fluorescence, it’s a real diamond. The only problem with this test is that a lack of blue fluorescence not only indicates a fake, but it could also indicate a diamond of very high quality.

Mirror

There was an email which circulated offering paranoid people everywhere a failsafe way to determine whether or not the mirror they were undressing in front of was in fact a mirror and not a looking glass for peeping perverts. You were to place your fingernail against the surface: if there is a gap between the image and the nail, the mirror is genuine; if they touch, you’re being ogled. This test is what’s really fake here, however, as it only determines whether the reflective part of the mirror is on the surface, or behind a sheet of glass. Two-way, or transparent mirrors are laminated windows which have been treated with Mirropane, a product which is reflective on one side while allowing light to pass through both sides. For the fake mirror to work the spy-ee needs to be in a brightly lit room, while the spy-ers need to be in the dark.

Two way mirrors usually act as windows and are therefore set into the wall itself. Real mirrors tend to hang and are not flush with the wall.

The real fingernail test is to tap the mirror with your fingernail. If it makes a hollow sound there’s a good chance it’s a fake mirror with an open space behind it.

Turn off the lights. If there is a hidden camera or a team of sweaty detectives you’ll be able to spot them through the glass. A flashlight will help to illuminate and expose the room on the other side.

If you’re in a changing room and you don’t have access to the lights, simply go in for a closer look, cupping your hands around your eyes and getting your face as close as possible to the glass. If it’s a fake mirror you’ll be able to see right through it.

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