Why You Should Never Ever Ask "Are You PMS-ing?"

From out of nowhere, a fight breaks out with your wife or girlfriend. You literally have no idea what's happening. Nothing you say is getting through. Finally you just apologize for whatever random thing you evidently did wrong. And she still freaks out -- she doesn't want an apology. She just wants to use you as a punching bag.

Frustrated and confused, you suddenly understand: it must be that time of the month. Before you can think rationally you hear these words slipping out of your mouth: Are you PMS-ing?

So what exactly is wrong with asking a simple question like that? I mean if she is PMS-ing then you can stop trying to find any logical solution and just tough it out.

Here is why you never, ever ask if your woman is PMS-ing.

What if you are right?

Don't ask, Captain

OK, she actually is PMSing. Then you are in fact dealing with a hormonal lunatic. Take me as an example. I never know when I will turn into a PMS monster and attack my husband without warning.

Many times early in our relationship, we would be in an argument about something very minor, and an hour later that "something" would snowball into a heinous transgression. My poor husband Scotty would be so confused, trying to figure out how his balls got trapped in a vice.

The Game Changer

After a few months, Scotty became an expert at predicting the arrival of my monthly visitor. I was so hormonal, I couldn't even see the monster until it was gone. But Scotty learned how to behave around it...feed it chocolate, stay very quiet. But even 14 years later, he knows not to actually tell me I am PMS-ing. It will send me into an epic frenzy. You cannot know my cycle better than I do...I am not acting crazy...you are a butthead.

When a woman cannot recognize the monster, she doesn't want her husband telling her he does.

What if you are wrong? Scenario two. In mid-argument, you inform her that she's PMS-ing, but her period was last week. Oh snap! You just called your woman a hormonal lunatic. You are saying you couldn't have done anything to make her mad at you, and there's no basis to whatever her grievance is. This will make her even angrier. Forget the original problem -- now she's mad because you think her hormones are the only cause.

Either way, you're sleeping on the couch.

Let me offer some advice: ask her what she wants. No matter what the fight is about, she has a bottom line. There is something she wants to happen. It's usually a simple action on your part...call me if you're going to be late, be nicer to my mother, empty the dishwasher, take out the trash without being reminded 40 times.

Ask her nicely, sincerely, what you can do. If she is able to tell you, say you will do your best to do it, whatever it is. She will have no ammunition after that. You aren't apologizing blindly just to end the discussion, and you're letting her know you've heard what she's saying and why it's making her angry. You're not promising her you will change immediately. You are just saying you will try. No one can be mad at you for that. You have to actually mean it, and make the attempt, or this won't work the next time.

If you succeed in doing what she has asked, then you both win. She has learned to communicate directly rather than starting a fight, and you have listened and acted.

And that, men, is sexy.

Lee Trask
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