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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Making a Bitchin’ First Aid Kit

It’s probably a good idea to keep a first aid kit on hand for any sort of emergency, ranging from a scraped knee to an accidental decapitation. If you’re anything like me though, you don’t want just any first aid kit in your house. You want a first aid kit that looks like it could kick a little ass if it had to. Unfortunately, there just aren’t many of those on the market, but that’s okay, because I’m going to show you how to make your own bitchin’ first aid kit in only a few simple steps.

  1. The first thing you’re going to want to do is run down to the local army surplus store. You know, the one where all the weird survivalists hang out and buy ninja stars to use to fight the communists. Once you get there you’ll need to find the pile of used ammo boxes. They’re probably somewhere in the back. You want to pick out one with as few dings, scratches, and rust marks as possible. Also check to make sure it opens and closes relatively easily. You wouldn’t want your family wasting valuable time trying to get into the first aid kit while you’re on fire due to a freak grilling catastrophe. At any rate, pick one that looks kind of like this:

  2. Now that you’ve got your box, I’ll bet you’re thinking, “But Dave, this doesn’t look a goddamn bit like a first aid kit; the hell?” Well, nice job being observant, guy, but we’re not finished yet. You need to bring that fucker home, remove the lid, and clean it up. Get all the nasty shit off it, and then lightly sand it with some sandpaper or perhaps a piece of steel wool. Once you’ve got it cleaned up, you’re going to apply a coat of automotive primer. Make sure to do so in a well ventilated area, unless, of course, you like a little brain damage with your arts and crafts projects. When you’re done, it should look a little something like the next picture. If it doesn’t, you fucked up. Hang your head in shame.

  3. Next, you’re going to need to let it dry for a while. I suggest a good couple of hours. Once it’s thoroughly dry, you’re going to paint it white. I used a glossy paint, but you can use whatever you want, so long as it works on metal. It might take a couple coats to look good, so don’t be shy about adding another layer. Once you’re done, it’s going to look like this:

  4. With me so far? Great! Now comes the hard part. You’re going to need to MacGyver up some sort of stencil in the shape of a cross. I used an old plastic cutting mat from the kitchen, which seemed to work pretty well. To get the shape, just find a good picture of a cross on Google Images, print it out, and transfer it to the thing you’re going to use for the stencil. Once you’ve got your stencil cut out, place it on the side of the box, and mask the rest of the area off with painter’s tape and newspaper.

  5. Once it’s sufficiently masked, spray that fucker red. Just make sure that none of the edges of the stencil are folding up, otherwise you’re going to get red all over the goddamn place and look like a total failure in front of your friends and loved ones. Give it a good couple of coats, and let it dry for a while.

  6. Once it’s dry, remove all the crap (stencil, paper, tape, etc.) from the top, and take a look at your new, combat ready first aid kit. It should look a hell of a lot like mine (below). If it doesn’t, well, I don’t know what to tell you. If you’re so inclined, you could mask and paint the other side, but I didn’t bother. You could probably throw some clear coat on it too, whatever.

  7. The hard part is done. Now all you need to do is bring your new kit in the house and angrily demand that your wife fill it with life-saving supplies, post haste. If she asks what supplies you need, just tell her to fill it will band-aids and hemostats and shit. She’ll get the message. Now just sit back, and enjoy your hard work. You’re an everyday hero.

Now that you’re safe from most minor emergencies, you can focus your energies on more worthwhile endeavors, like chosing your favorite Hot Pocket, or building a trebuchet to lay siege to your neighbors. Since I cannot be harmed by conventional means, I have little use for a first aid kit myself. I’ll probably just fill mine with chili or Legos instead. You know, just in case.

This has been Dave sayin’: “This is the captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some slight turbulence and then explode.”

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