Sunday, August 10, 2008

Cars of the Candidates: Who Drives What?

With the most important election of our lives closing in quickly, we have to take time to reflect on the facts, to set aside the emotions and rhetoric, and get to the very core of the issues. The most important issue of all, obviously, being what cars these men of power choose to drive.

A note: I despise politicians to my very core. Politics is a game of pandering and lying and using the resources stolen from the many to help the very few who can afford lobbyists. It’s disgusting, but you have to vote for one of the major candidates, right? You wouldn’t want to throw your vote away, right? Ugh.

Anyway, let’s get this over with, here are the cars that these plastic ambition-bots drive:

The Chrysler 300C, Obama’s old car, before he got on the hybrid wave

Goldenboy, aka, the Manchurian Candidate, aka, Barack Obama used to drive a Chrysler 300C, which is actually a respectable choice. It’s a nice car, powerful, good looking, etc. But he made a speech back on May 7th chastising Detroit for failing to anticipate rising oil prices. It included this little tidbit: “While foreign competitors were investing in more fuel-efficient technology for their vehicles, American automakers were spending their time investing in bigger, faster cars. The auto industry is on a path that is unacceptable and unsustainable. And America must take action to make it right.”

The Ford Escape Hybrid, darling of the politicos

Unfortunately, when someone pointed out that he actually drives a bigger, faster, gas guzzling V8 beast, he promptly threw away the 300C and switched to a Ford Escape Hybrid, which is to politics what the Cadillac Escalade is to hip hop. Apparently Al Gore and John Edwards drive the Escape Hybrid too. I can almost picture the meeting where they decided on that car. “Ok, it’s American, it’s a hybrid, and yet, it’s big enough to say you’re strong, you’re no little Prius driver, you won’t fold to Iran, YOU CAN LEAD”. I can’t stress this enough. I hate politics.

As for the old snapping turtle himself, John McCain, he hobbles around in exactly what you’d think a 90 year old curmudgeonly war veteran hobbles around in, a Cadillac CTS sedan. An old man in a Cadillac? It’s almost too perfect, but it’s true. I bet he leaves his blinker on for hours at a time, just in solidarity with the rest of the very very old voters.

Get off my lawn, you damn kids!

Now, say what you will about Ron Paul, but he really was the only one that made any sort of logical sense. Granted, he has his kooky side, and he never had a chance, but the facts are still there, and there’s a reason that people with higher IQs are more likely to be libertarians. Because libertarianism is based on sound economics.

Whatever though, this is about cars, not about the nation of sheep that sets out every 4 years to pick between two colors and pretend like it matters. THIS IS ABOUT CARS. And Ron Paul drives a Buick. All anyone could get out of him was this nondescript quote when asked what he drives: “a Buick while in Washington and a second-hand Lincoln car and Ford truck back home.” That’s all he told anyone, you know why? Because he doesn’t want the gawrd’dang government all up in his business, tracking his car movements with their elec-tro-tronic sat-e-lites and what not. An interesting side note, Ron Paul also says he keeps a 1979 Chevette at home for “sentimental reasons.” I love you Ron.

If you’re wondering what Ralph Nader drives, he actually claims he doesn’t own a car; he just flies around on his broomstick powered by massive amounts of government regulation and virgin blood. It keeps him young. Little known fact: Nader is actually as old as time itself, he was created in the big bang as one of the major universal forces “Governmentium”. He’s the reason government always gets bigger, it’s a law of nature

Grrrrrr, Brains, must eat Brains

Also, Nader is a zombie.

Original here

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