Early risers don't recoil as the alarm clock whirrs into life. Photo: Matt Gray/Getty
If I loathe anyone on the planet it is individuals who self-identify as "morning people". I was forcefully reminded of this antipathy while watching footage of a day-in-the-life of Gary Rhodes on Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. (This was, obviously, before the voting public decided it could take no more of his heartbreakingly enthusiastic galumphing round the dance floor and voted him off the programme; a relief to fans of human dignity, not to mention good dancing, everywhere.)
Now, you may think it's quite a feat to be able to pinpoint the single-most annoying fact about Gary Rhodes from among the general forcefield of annoyingness that is the hedgehog-impersonating celebrity chef (I know - how mean! And yet how true), but I found it remarkably easy.
It was the way he flung open his door to the awaiting camera crew, bright-eyed and bushy-haired, eager for the day to begin. At 4.30am. AM! In case you didn't know, that stands for Ah My-god-what-time-is-it? I don't know at what precise point late night segues into early morning, but I am here to declare that at 4.30am we have not yet passed it. He's always up that early, he said, while heading off to his home gym: "I love it!"
Now, of course, the real niggle about morning people is that they are also the type of people who get stuff done. I'd like to think this is a coincidence, but possibly it's not. I suppose I am, by default if nothing else, an evening person, but evenings are a rubbish time to do anything constructive. There's too much good telly on, for one thing, and you're allowed to drink alcohol without people thinking you've got a problem.
And even if you did do something, so what? So you caught up on some reading and baked a cake last night, did you? Excuse me while I give you an extra-sarcastic round of applause. Oh, wait, what's that? You did those things this morning? Before work? Oh clever you …
I'm not saying I hate mornings. I'm not saying I want to ban mornings. I'm just saying that if someone else did then: a) I wouldn't be organising any protest marches, and b) I probably wouldn't notice that much.
Naturally, nowhere is this more evident than in a work setting. I am useless for half a day, whereas the people who've already been larking around for hours are raring to go. This isn't fair. If there was a competition to see who was up and at 'em at 1am, who would win? That's right: I would! But, oh no, nobody is interested in that, are they? Nobody cares about who is the best at post-midnight performance.
Apparently the only thing these small-minded bureaucrats give a stuff about is how you're doing during actual working hours. Isn't this discrimination? I am pretty sure that it's been proved by science (or was it a quiz in Cosmo? One or the other, anyway) that you're either a morning person or you're not. So, is it not the vilest discrimination to ask you to go against your essential nature? I know: it's almost like I am a lone voice of sanity. On this issue, I am basically Gandhi.
But what these morning people don't understand is that ultimately we will have the last laugh, because if there's one thing people on my side of the divide can cope with it is staying up late.
Early risers with a late night on their hands, on the other hand, are stuffed. They go to bed late, try to get up early and wander around in a fug of sleeplessness all day. Or, to put in another way, generally experience life as the rest of us live it. Welcome to our world, early birds! Things start to look better about 10pm - though you'll probably be in bed again by then.
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