Because three pounds of processed meat won’t tide you over until dinner.
10. Cheesy Tots – Burger King
If there’s one thing cheese and potatoes need, it’s a thick coating of deep-fried batter. The starving African girl I sponsor for a cup of coffee a day isn’t capable of comprehending these.
Calories/12pc: 430
Total Fat (grams): 24
9. Chicken Rings – White Castle
A little known fact: The ring is the most succulent part of the chicken. White Castle knows this. White Castle knows all. (It should be noted that the Castle also offers you the option of a Chicken Ring Sandwich. With or without cheese. God bless you White Castle.)
Calories: 320
Total Fat (grams): 23
8. Sausage Poutine – Chez Ashton (Canada Only)
For those of you who haven’t ventured north of the border, Poutine is the reason we have not invaded Canada. Consisting of French fries, cheese curds and gravy, this little heart attack in a bowl will leave you waving off the defibrillator. But Chez Ashton decided to toss a few sausages on top just for good measure. This belongs on this list of school lunches.
Calories: 630
Total Fat (grams): 37
7. Chicken and Sausage Jambalaya – Popeye’s
While this is found under the “Legends” section of the menu, eagle-eyed members of the Popeye’s Krewe will know that you can also order up a side dish of their “award winning” spicy Chicken and Sausage Jambalaya. I have no idea what award they won, but I’d like to work for the organization that gave it to them.
Calories: 220
Total Fat (grams): 11
6. Jack's Cheesy Macaroni Bites - Jack In The Box
Because, when you really think about it, macaroni and cheese should be fried. This belongs with these works of art. Photo courtesy of our pals at Yumsugar.
Calories 6/pc: 440
Total Fat (grams): 25
5. Cheesy Bread – Dominos
Sure, there are a few other pizza establishments that have their version of the cheesestick, but Dominos was the first to say, “Hey, you just ordered three greasewheels, but you’re going to need something to wash them down with. Why not try a little more breaded cheese?”
Calories/stick: 140
Total Fat/stick (grams): 7
4. Bacon Cheddar Potato Wedges – Jack in the Box
Does it have bacon? Yes. Does it have cheese? Yes. Does it have potato? Yes. If you have anymore questions about the worthiness of this side, please email them to IAmADumbass@YesICalledYouADumbass.com.
Calories: 720
Total Fat (grams): 48
3. Crumblies – Long John Silvers
These crusty little deep fried bits of delicious heart disease will fit into any of the aortic crevices that weren’t clogged by your entrée.
Calories: 170
Total Fat (grams): 12
2. Curly Fries – Arbys
Arby’s has a very respectable side menu. With such creative options as Onion Petals with Southwest Tangy Sauce and Jalapeno Bites with Bronco Berry Sauce you can really expand your fast food palate on the sides alone. But nothing beats the teeth-shattering crunch of Arby’s classic take on the potato. These are even good cold.
Calories: 397
Total Fat (grams): 24
1. Mashed Potatoes and Gravy – KFC
I have no idea if there are any real potatoes found in these mashed potatoes, but I don’t care. Salty, creamy and rich, they make a great dip for your home-style biscuits or a surprisingly sturdy spackle for your shower. If mom could make mashed potatoes like these, I wouldn’t have left the womb.
Calories: 140
Total Fat (grams): 5
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