by Ned Hepburn
The world is full of rough drinks. As most of us can attest to, we’ve all been at “that point” somewhere in our early years - the point where you only have cheap alcohol and hardly anything to mix it with. These are the drinks that put hair on your chest and gravel in your voice. They are also the stupidest drinks known to man - but really, is there anything more freeing than being broke and happy? You got to be like the MacGuyver of alcohol there for a little while. Or maybe you still are. I know a guy that can make a great cocktail out of D-grade vodka and a whole orange and a handful of ice cubes and some hot sauce, no joke.
And they’re also the most thoroughly fun to make, too. There’s nothing - absolutely nothing - more aggravating than a bartender (or “mixologist”) that takes themselves too seriously. While I love a well made Jack & Coke, I also enjoy the weird drinks that only three guys know to make. Guys with scars and beards and stories - not some white collar jackass who took a class on bar-tending at the YMCA.
While this list is here for humorous purposes, these are all drinks that we here at Manolith have actually made at some point in our lives. So, enjoy.
5. The Gambler
While in college I had a speciality drink I called “The Gambler” (named after the Kenny Rogers opus). It consisted of:
- Half filling the glass with ice
- Half filling the glass with Smirnoff
- Half filling the rest with blue Gatorade. Only blue. No other kind worked.
4. The Lazy Susan
- Fill a glass with crushed ice.
- One can of Dr Pepper. Fill glass 3/4 of the way, drink the rest of what is left in the can.
- Fill the rest of the glass with cheap rum.
- Unwrap a Hostess™ Sno-Ball. Preferably the pink one.
- Take a large swig of your drink, and follow it with a large bite of the Sno-Ball. The trick is to finish both at the same time.
3. The Intervention.
Modified from the popular joke about the sexual position. Google it. My boss would shoot me point blank if I typed out the whole thing.
This particular drink has a history of a bet I lost while watching a certain episode of A&E’s “Intervention”. However, it’s a lot of fun.
- You will need one bottle of Peppermint Schnapps, and one can full of whipped cream, and a TV showing “Intervention”. That is how the original game was played - in a basement apartment, too.
- Take shots of Peppermint Schnapps alternated with a mouthful of whipped cream every time a family member cries.
2. The Bacontini
This was made after me and my roommate at the time had literally nothing to do nor drink except the ingredients to a martini and bacon. I’ve actually seen this served in a real bar in New York - somewhat different.
- Cook 3 strips of bacon until crisp.
- Immediately eat one. Why? Just because.
- Crumble up the second one, put into ice in the Martini shaker.
- Strain the gin and vermouth through one of those Martini shaker things.
- Place other bacon strip into this new drink.
- Congratulate yourself.
1. The Quantum Leap
- One tall can of PBR
- One shot of vodka.
- One shot of Jack Daniels.
- One half can of Red Bull.
- If you can drink this, Dean Stockwell will advise you to leap into the next body, as your job is done here.